Anatomy of a Zombie

Let's talk about the anatomy of a zombie for a moment. You know that zombies are putrefied, rotting corpses that are walking around trying to eat your brains, but some people forget that they were once (and recently) human beings. Take the above picture, that girl is actually quite cute and it is a real shame that she is now a zombie.  I mean just look at those eyes, captivating, enthralling and, unfortunately, distracting. 

A long-held, common misconception is that zombies are immortal. In fact, the vast majority of zombies live less than one year. It is possible to determine a zombie's age based on their external appearance; specifically, their level of decomposition, also known as necrotic degradation. Seriously, you know how long it takes for a body to decompose once it is embalmed, preserved and otherwise taken care of in a nice sealed box? Now let that body shamble around in the open. 

The great irony of zombie life is that even as they voraciously feed, they too are being fed upon. A zombie's body is like a big petri dish serving host to everything from bacteria and fungi to maggots and ants. The resulting state of putrefaction lends not only to the ultimate destruction of the zombie but also the survivability of the human populace. Think about it, during the Cold War, people had fallout bunkers and survival rations for years and years to avoid the nuclear debris of the atomic war. 

If you can survive underground and in shelter from that terrible fate for multiple years, why can't you stay underground with a nice and comfortable life, while the zombies outside slowly decompose into nothing but Zombi-Mulch that will make a pretty green world for you to step out into? 

That is all well and good, but what happens if you don't have a fallout bunker or rations and supplies to last a year or two underground? Well, its time to hit the streets and become a Zombie-Slaying-Machine because in the cutthroat world of the zombie apocalypse, only the strong and smart survive. 

I want to share with you my ultimate zombie plan, although I should not give away many of the secrets I am giving away, I am confident that if I don't give away the location that it will be a great place for me to hold up when the shit hits the fan and the Dead Walk. 

Somewhere in the Mojave desert, near Las Vegas, is a compound that was purchased by yours truly and has since been convereted into a Zombie Survival Shelter. It is 8,450 square feet, 20ft underground with 2 foot thick concrete walls surrounding it. On top of the bunker is a full fledged and honest to God house with an Algae Cultivation center in the back of it. The sunlight causes the Algae to grow (photosynthesis) and when the algae blooms and it mature, it is taken out, harvested and turned into a variety of wonderful products and substances. 

Here is a list of what I have personally made from Algae: 

• A natural and healthy food source. It is a complete "whole food" that is sustainable, completely healthy and, once you get past the flavor, can be packaged or pressed in almost any way.
• Fuel: Ladies and gentlemen, "Crude Oil" is ancient algae that has been pressed and heated by the pressure and heat of the world. Seriously, do some research on this. I've made my own fuel from this stuff. 
• Petrochemicals:  If crude oil is your thing, then petrochemicals are known to you. To most people, however, petrochemical is just a word that they don't really grasp. Chemical substances derived from petroleum, that's what I'm talking about and you are using something derived from petroleum right now. Seriously, you are. 
• Animal Stock: This stuff is great to feed to your animals, if you have any left and if they are not infected by the zombie apocalypse, feed your livestock the algae and you will see that they grow bigger, stronger, healthier and without any chemicals or steroids to make them so huge. 
   

The compound has a processing plant, where I can render my algae in any way that I want and with a little bit of research, trial and error and a tiny bit of luck, I can have nearly anything I need without ever leaving my compound. Seriously, I suggest everyone go this route at some point in the near future. Micro-Bunkers are great, you don't need a whole lot of underground space and if you build them right, you can have the sunlight come in from outside a unbreakable dome, grow your algae and allow you to survive entirely underground for the duration of the zombie apocalypse. 

Now that you know the basics of my bunker, you will also need to know that I am heavily armed, trained in a great many forms of military tactics and survival as well as being slightly anti-social, so please don't come looking for my bunker. If you do, you may find it and that ... won't be good.